Esther, why the hell did you decide to get a tattoo on your wrist that says “live free” if you weren’t actually going to abide by that? False advertisement much?
Ever feel like writing, but have too much to say, yet nothing to say at all? So many thoughts running through my mind and I cannot seem to get them all cohesive enough to write about anything.
Before I decided to quit school, I somehow thought it would be the simplest decision I would ever make in my life. Not to say I should have done anything differently, but it has been quite not what I expected. But, life as it is rarely ever makes sense. So that’s the state of life that I am in right now. One that absolutely makes no sense. Awakening and sleeping and reflecting and that is all for now.
I cannot lie, I am finding it hard to adjust to not being a highly productive human being. My obsession to be extremely busy has been wrecked. I am learning from this that who I am is me, not what I am doing with my life or where I am going with it, just me. This reminds me of a piece I wrote sometime back about who we are. When everything is taken from us, all our titles/careers and material possession, all we have left is ourselves. And it’s so damn necessary that I learn this now. For everything else can be taken away from me, but myself.
Self reflection and growth has been a critical part of the month and a half that I’ve technically been out of school. I have learned that I can be extremely selfish and I cannot stop until I get what I want. I like getting things done when I want to get them done and I would rather have nobody tell me what to do. I can be inconsistent with what I say versus the actions which I lead. My self-control can definitely be improved. I have a habit of fearing love so I entertain attention. This one comes as somewhat of a shock to me, but there is something I can find to relate to in everyone. I sometimes felt as though some people were just to much of a struggle to attempt to have conversation with because it did not feel right. But beautiful relationships can develop from there. I can push my body to new heights and lengths which I would have only dreamed of. Even though it’s not 100% where I want it to be, it is on its way there and it is possible. I love being around good company and having deep intellectual conversations. I like getting to know people on a deeper level than what they reveal to everybody else. I have learned that even though I may not be the most confident, I am aware of the things that make me beautiful and proud of my individuality. Many may not be able to understand me or want to be around me, but that is perfectly okay. I do not make sense sometimes. I like random drives that lead to nowhere with great company and music blaring. That sounds like heaven right now. I sometimes think I live in a whole other world from other people, my realities just do not seem to make much sense to most. Gosh, so much to me. I’m so grateful I am learning so much about myself, because I think if I had stayed in my previous environment and mentality, I would be so far from where I am mentally right now.
Can I just say that I am so grateful that I am alive and surrounded by family and great people. Not everyone can say that. Wow. Such a ray of beauty around me. I love it!
I may not have it all together, but I don’t even think that that exists. I’m watching the sunset right now as I write this. La vie est belle et je suis tres contente.
Would I truly have it any other way? Honestly, would I really? I think not.
Let me enjoy this time and this journey. Patience, oh gosh I am learning patience because God knows I want everything NOW. But some things can wait and that is okay. Everything is okay if you just do the things you love and breathe.
Life will happen for me eventually, but I am grateful for where I am right now. Such good energy and good vibes. So, so, so grateful.
Last night I was given the opportunity to experience one of the most beautiful things a human can be exposed to– a crossroad. The uncertainty in one’s thought process as they are faced with a predicament cannot be described as anything less than exquisite.
I sometimes wonder why we do not allow ourselves to face these crossroads more often in life. We quickly shut our minds off to many ideas and dreams we could have achieved simply so that we will not have to undergo uncertainty and risk. Protective mechanism I guess you could call it.
After last night, seeing someone stuck between two conflicting decisions and choosing to take her “own” road, revealed something to me. Life is not as black and white as we make it seem. Journeys are individual. At the end of the day, we must make sure to take care of ourselves, take risks, survive, and come out on the other end— Happy.
Last year flew by with the quickness. I can honestly say that was the most challenging, yet most beautiful year of my life. I learned more that year than I remembered to jot down, but here goes some…
1. Take responsibility and make decisions even if you really don’t want to. Because guess what? It turns out okay in the end.
2. Don’t beat yourself up for making a decision that contradicts with what someone else thinks. If you believe it, why bother explaining yourself. Continue reading “2016 Gone Already? | January 10, 2016”
Missing you now more than ever before my little one. You’ve consumed my thoughts all day today. Look at me trying to live out milestones in my mind that were never had the opportunity to be met.
Crazy how I’m still stuck on you and you were only a part of my 18 year old life for less than 2 months. Even after it all, I would have wished for nothing less.
I know that somehow, someway, it was worth it.
Call me crazy, but I actually thought you were different. I presumed that perhaps not all the birds of a feather did in fact flock together. The benefit of doubt was gifted to you, but I should’ve gotten in touch with the present instead. Continue reading “I Solemnly Swear| September 13, 2016”
Transformation never takes place overnight. Between when you decide to change and when it actually happens, there’s blank space. During that moment, you are a living paradox. You are a mismatched blend of what you once were and what you are now becoming.
In the black space lies a lot of confusion and uncertainty. You’re striving extraordinarily hard to change, yet you always feel as though you are ten steps behind. One foot in, another one out. It’s almost as though there is no progression whatsoever. Continue reading “The Pursuit of Transformation| June 20, 2016”