Truth. | January 13, 2017

Damn. I haven’t actually sat down and gathered my thoughts together in a good minute.

Today I came to the conclusion that people may be better off unaware of the completely raw truth.

My lovely counselor decided that I have trust issues (which is nothing I didn’t know before). In order for me to break out of my “everyone will mess you up” mentality, she suggested I start being more open with people that I’m close to without feeding them all that they want to hear. In order for this mentality shift to be successful, I need to actually taken others deep enough into where the honesty lies so they can catch a whiff of all the crap I’ve been feeding them this whole time. So naturally what do you do when your counselor gives you “professional advice”?…You trust that their 6 years of graduate school certifies them to play games with your mind, so you let them.

Continue reading “Truth. | January 13, 2017”

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Repeat.| November 5, 2016

Overwhelmed. Feeling trapped somewhere in between security and passion; unable to equate either to success.

Pushing through is a possibility. Day after day, lecture after lecture. Just one more year, or two or three or who knows how many.

For the amount of times this thought passes my mind, it’s astonishing that I’m still at square A. Ineffective decision making perhaps, but most likely the four letter word we all fail to admit to: FEAR.

So here we go again, back to where my mind could function without distraction. Time to fall off the face of the Earth again.

This time for some reason feels as though it’ll bear a lot more tears.

Initiate| September 25, 2016

Initiate.

Woke up one of these days one of these weeks (who knows when) and requested rejection.

Talk about awkward conversations galore full of persistent moments of silence. Then unrelated references made to occupy the irregularity. I’ve found a fondness for these tender instances nonetheless. Body shifts, twitches, “and’s”, eye glances, irregular hand movements– I appreciate all of that discomfort.  Continue reading “Initiate| September 25, 2016”

“I’m okay.” | August 28, 2016

If my face spoke the thoughts contained in my mind, people would realize that I AM NOT “OKAY”. You know that smile I always carry on my face, I use that to mask my social anxiety. My desire to workout and eat healthy is driven by my fear of being overweight. My slight OCD was formed due to my uncomfortability with disorder.  Continue reading ““I’m okay.” | August 28, 2016″

Hurt people, hurt people. | July 30, 2016

I’ve come to realize that my hurt reciprocates to others. Though I may not desire it, instinctively, it happens. I’ve got to fight everything in me to withhold from pouring forth the pain in me onto others.

Well, quite frankly I probably don’t try hard enough. While there’s always room for improvement, healing has to take place first. Continue reading “Hurt people, hurt people. | July 30, 2016”