Live Free | July 13, 2017

A lot of people glance at me twice when I tell them I’m not going back to school next semester. Well, originally that is how it began anyway. With the subtle lies of “oh I may be going back” to “I’m just taking a semester off” to my absolute favorite one: “I’m not sure yet.” I roll my head back and chuckle uncontrollably at such bullshit. Absolute rubbish.

I refuse to go back to that mental hole encompassed with overly revisited dreams and lonely lecture halls. I cannot emotionally allow myself to enroll back into a living hell—a tactically induced sadness that loved to announce itself abruptly and suck the droplets of my happiness and condense them into 9,000 negative thoughts. Opening my eyes daily to memorizing scientific names of medications I would never prescribe may have just been the insanity which Einstein spoke of. That forsaken melancholic state of numbness could no longer be tolerable.

I gave in to self.

And that, that is why “I’m dropping out of school.”  Continue reading “Live Free | July 13, 2017”

Code Blue.| June 8,2017

Between the daily rituals of observation that never seem to override our persistent thoughts, exists our undeniable desire to breathe more than just oxygen.

We are suffocating under a spell of routine, yet we’re still not blue enough to realize that the hopelessness inhibiting us from awakening is not just

Depression.

Anxiety.

Bipolar Disorder.

Conditions curable with just enough encapsulated tablets just to lead us back down the time capsule to the day we failed to recognize anything further than “Me, me, me.” Continue reading “Code Blue.| June 8,2017”

Pleaser. | January 28, 2016

Everyone wants to be loved right? We firstly experience this tender warmth when placed on our mothers breasts for the first time. Then we spend the rest of our lives attempting to recreate this feeling in our interpersonal relationships. But what happens when the baseline of love meant to be shown to you by your mother never felt complete? Then you spend the rest of your life pleasing others in hopes that their love will be deep enough to somehow fulfill the indentations.

It’s clearly evident however, that contentment will not take place in these relationships  for you’ll strive to make them love you, instead of allowing them to decide to give you love. Continue reading “Pleaser. | January 28, 2016”

Truth. | January 13, 2017

Damn. I haven’t actually sat down and gathered my thoughts together in a good minute.

Today I came to the conclusion that people may be better off unaware of the completely raw truth.

My lovely counselor decided that I have trust issues (which is nothing I didn’t know before). In order for me to break out of my “everyone will mess you up” mentality, she suggested I start being more open with people that I’m close to without feeding them all that they want to hear. In order for this mentality shift to be successful, I need to actually taken others deep enough into where the honesty lies so they can catch a whiff of all the crap I’ve been feeding them this whole time. So naturally what do you do when your counselor gives you “professional advice”?…You trust that their 6 years of graduate school certifies them to play games with your mind, so you let them.

Continue reading “Truth. | January 13, 2017”

Repeat.| November 5, 2016

Overwhelmed. Feeling trapped somewhere in between security and passion; unable to equate either to success.

Pushing through is a possibility. Day after day, lecture after lecture. Just one more year, or two or three or who knows how many.

For the amount of times this thought passes my mind, it’s astonishing that I’m still at square A. Ineffective decision making perhaps, but most likely the four letter word we all fail to admit to: FEAR.

So here we go again, back to where my mind could function without distraction. Time to fall off the face of the Earth again.

This time for some reason feels as though it’ll bear a lot more tears.

The New Kid| October 26, 2016

“Everyone, we have a new student joining us in class today.”

Synovial neck joints rotate euphorically unanimously in search of the new creature bearing the intrigue they so crave for to awaken their breathing corpses and ignite their drowning spring. Palms hit the desks transferring perplexed appearances upon the masses of curious bodies. Continue reading “The New Kid| October 26, 2016”

Initiate| September 25, 2016

Initiate.

Woke up one of these days one of these weeks (who knows when) and requested rejection.

Talk about awkward conversations galore full of persistent moments of silence. Then unrelated references made to occupy the irregularity. I’ve found a fondness for these tender instances nonetheless. Body shifts, twitches, “and’s”, eye glances, irregular hand movements– I appreciate all of that discomfort.  Continue reading “Initiate| September 25, 2016”