How to feel alive. | June 17, 2015

Was watching this TED talk yesterday that spoke on how to feel alive. The speaker said that the only way to truly feel alive is by being honest (not only with ourselves but with those around us as well). He explained that we often look to entertainment to make us feel “alive” and to give us a sense of “living”. Instead of seeking for that feeling in other things, we can easily find it within ourselves. When we lie, we create a false reality and a false identity. Our lies hinder us from truly being ourselves as we become accustomed to living the “lie” that we have created. Day by day we continue to allow the lie to cloud our “aliveness” as we cannot truly be alive until we are honest with ourselves. When we become honest with ourselves and those around us, then we no longer have to experience the confusion that comes with separating reality from a lie.

 So when some person quoted “The truth shall set you free”, they actually had something going.

 I don’t think I’ve ever been genuinely honest with myself or others around me. Maybe it comes with being introverted and always keeping things inside for fear that people will judge me. So I’m going to finally be honest with myself.

    I struggle so much with acceptance and rejection. I don’t know when my fear of getting rejected began, but it’s become such a large part of who I am now. I always want everyone to like me. Literally, EVERYONE. That means that I tend to switch personalities depending on who’s around me. I talk about what they want to talk about and nothing else. I steer away from voicing my opinions if i know they’ll likely disagree. I don’t ever confront people. I’d much rather avoid conflict and rejection.

       This has led to me lacking a sort of base on who I am. Obviously everyone at this age struggles with who they are, but for me, I don’t even have one clear personality. I don’t think any two people can look at me and be certain that they are looking at the same Esther. There’s no way that’s possible because I lack consistency. I’ve developed a habit of not fully “being myself”. Rather, I adapt to those around me.

       Now that I’m writing this, I’m starting to wonder if I’m even my true self with my best friend. Goodness. I’ve been so far enveloped into my own “lie” that everyone has to like me. Does he even know me? The ME ME?! Do I myself even know MYSELF? Am I even conscious of what I believe in, of what makes me happy, of who I want to be or even of the simplest things one must know about themselves. Damn, I’m so lost.

 

      Yes Esther, you’re insecure! You are so uncomfortable in your own mind that you have chosen to look into other people’s minds and study them so that later you could practice how to be like them. Maybe, pick up their jokes, their phrases, their walk, their attitude and the way they perceive life. I would search to find anything basically as long as it wasn’t me.

 

      Now I know why I’m never fully comfortable around my friends. When my best friend talks about how much he enjoys being around his friends and how much he loves them I just think to myself “how is that even possible?” How can one appreciate the company of another so ENTIRELY? Then I thought back to an old blogpost I wrote where I said “he makes me feel alive”. It all makes sense now. The reason I feel so alive when I’m with him is because I’m the most honest with him. When I’m around him, I’m way much more “myself” than when I’m around anyone else. (I’m not quite completely as whole with him as I could be because there’s still that part of me that keeps thinking “rejection, rejection, rejection”. I fear how he’ll perceive me if I open up to him completely.) The fact that there’s not as many “lies” hazing around our friendship means that we can be comfortable around each other. (Gosh no wonder he makes me feel so ALIVE!)

      It’s unbelievable how simple it actually is to enjoy being around your friends. All it requires is honesty. I GET IT NOW!! Oh my word, it was just that simple? You mean to tell me that all I had to do was be honest and let my whole heart out? And to think that all this time I was blaming the dry friendships on my friends when the real problem was me. Wow, I am the problem.

 

       Now that I’ve been honest with myself, I’ve already discovered so many new things I didn’t know about myself 10 minutes ago. And I’ve also uncovered some things that I’ve always secretly known, but never wanted to release.

 

          Since I crave that feeling of “aliveness” so much, I’m going to have to take on the challenge of honesty. (The speaker mentioned that this challenge is not for the weak-at-heart so let’s hope that I’m not one of those.)

          Here’s to never telling a lie again. Here’s to also embracing rejection. ✌🏾️

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