Transformation never takes place overnight. Between when you decide to change and when it actually happens, there’s blank space. During that moment, you are a living paradox. You are a mismatched blend of what you once were and what you are now becoming.
In the black space lies a lot of confusion and uncertainty. You’re striving extraordinarily hard to change, yet you always feel as though you are ten steps behind. One foot in, another one out. It’s almost as though there is no progression whatsoever.
Living in that mentality drains one’s insides. You must be conscious of every action you take for you can easily slip back to who you once were. The thoughts and experiences you once had like revisiting you in those times when you’re trying to be better. You find yourself wondering why you had to go through things like those. Why you had to breathe exhaust and exhale flames trying to keep somebody else alive.
Although mentally you are aware that you are changing, those around you either can’t tell or think you’re lying. You start hearing, “Oh since when do you not talk smack about people?” or “you love God all of a sudden?” They are unaware that change is not an overnight occurrence. It takes progress which also takes time.
So yes, I will contradict myself (a lot) and I will be a hypocrite. You’ll have a bunch of questions, but I definitely won’t have answers. I may seem to be wishy washy, but don’t confuse my blank space for stagnancy. I no longer reside where you once remember, I have relocated. I am undergoing the pursuit of transformation.