I’m so lost God. I have no idea how to do this thing called life.
I’m clueless on my purpose.
I don’t know what career you want me to pursue.
I couldn’t even begin to try to explain why my life has value.
I cannot seem to comprehend all the blessings that You’ve placed in my life day in and day out.
How am I still here? Why me God? Continue reading “Grace| April 3, 2020”
The fact that I’m writing this 20 days after the new year is so beyond me, but anyways… I turn 21 this year, yikes. Not even this year, in just 24 days. I remember being a young 14 year old girl dreaming of reaching this point of my life. I should be somewhere backpacking in Europe by now according to that girl, but current me would hate that. Current me would actually hate a lot of the things I once liked. Makes me curious to see how many of the things I’ll actually accomplish that I wrote in the Letter to my 25 Year Old Self. Speaking of which, I guess that’s a good way to start off this list.
1. Humans are dynamic creatures. Therefore, it is not necessarily crucial that I meet every goal which I set at a different point in my life. It’s okay to come to terms with the fact that my mindset and opinions also change. I should hold others to that same grace as well.
So, as it always goes, I stole a book to read from someone (in this case my sister). And can I just say that this is one of the most honest books I’ve ever read (been stumbling upon a lot of those lately… or I guess you could call it stealing them from others if we’re being technical). Anyway, a chapter on parenthood was included in the book, Simple Truths, that caused me to revisit feelings and thoughts that I genuinely have tried to avoid the past couple of months. Continue reading “Parenthood | July 10, 2018”
Esther, why the hell did you decide to get a tattoo on your wrist that says “live free” if you weren’t actually going to abide by that? False advertisement much?
Travelling to Kenya last December really put me in a lovesick mood. Something about being in your homeland among your people brings you a certain sense of peace — a peace that you could fall in love there. You imagine meeting a twenty something year old with a great sense of humor and burning passion for a certain art form and you. You and him meet each other not having much, but willing to cultivate your passions together. Through the struggle, you develop a special kind of love. The kind of love that can only be built in your home country among your own people.
Having left there, my mentality shifted from “just wanna be single do not approach me” to a desire to love unconditionally. Continue reading “Proverbs 31 Woman| May 20, 2018”
“Where’s my shirt?”
Because you no longer desire to leave your body bare next to one who is not keen enough to notice that one birthmark you have right next to your spine. You’ve become so willing to strip off clothing that you have forgotten what it feels like to let someone see past your sexuality and into your being. You convince yourself that this has to do with freedom or feminism or whatever bullshit excuse, but yet you wake up in the morning on a bed that’s not yours. And the first thing out of your mouth is a clear cry for something that makes more sense. You’re ready to go, your mind is cleared up now. After all, you did just both fulfill your superficial desires. There’s no space left in that dark room for your spirit, you’d best keep that to yourself. And when your feet make it to the door, you turn around to make sure you still have a bit of worthiness left over. Still laying in bed, he opens his eyes, but doesn’t even bother to look at you long enough to say goodbye. Little does he know he’s never going to see you again. You’ve taught him bad habits and you’ve learned to keep coming back just to come – back to emptiness. No more. Of all things great about you, how you please a man is of the least value. You enter the Uber and say your morning greetings, but through his rear-view mirror he can see your partially rubbed off makeup from the night before. That’s enough conversation for the day. What you really need is a shower. But that won’t wash away the bodies that have laid on top of you and touched you though your memory recollects very little of any of those experiences. But you still scrub and scrub and exfoliate till you’ve listened to almost a quarter of an album through your tears. Your heart tells you this isn’t it. You deserve better. And for once ever, you listen to it.
Ever feel like writing, but have too much to say, yet nothing to say at all? So many thoughts running through my mind and I cannot seem to get them all cohesive enough to write about anything.
Before I decided to quit school, I somehow thought it would be the simplest decision I would ever make in my life. Not to say I should have done anything differently, but it has been quite not what I expected. But, life as it is rarely ever makes sense. So that’s the state of life that I am in right now. One that absolutely makes no sense. Awakening and sleeping and reflecting and that is all for now.
I cannot lie, I am finding it hard to adjust to not being a highly productive human being. My obsession to be extremely busy has been wrecked. I am learning from this that who I am is me, not what I am doing with my life or where I am going with it, just me. This reminds me of a piece I wrote sometime back about who we are. When everything is taken from us, all our titles/careers and material possession, all we have left is ourselves. And it’s so damn necessary that I learn this now. For everything else can be taken away from me, but myself.
Self reflection and growth has been a critical part of the month and a half that I’ve technically been out of school. I have learned that I can be extremely selfish and I cannot stop until I get what I want. I like getting things done when I want to get them done and I would rather have nobody tell me what to do. I can be inconsistent with what I say versus the actions which I lead. My self-control can definitely be improved. I have a habit of fearing love so I entertain attention. This one comes as somewhat of a shock to me, but there is something I can find to relate to in everyone. I sometimes felt as though some people were just to much of a struggle to attempt to have conversation with because it did not feel right. But beautiful relationships can develop from there. I can push my body to new heights and lengths which I would have only dreamed of. Even though it’s not 100% where I want it to be, it is on its way there and it is possible. I love being around good company and having deep intellectual conversations. I like getting to know people on a deeper level than what they reveal to everybody else. I have learned that even though I may not be the most confident, I am aware of the things that make me beautiful and proud of my individuality. Many may not be able to understand me or want to be around me, but that is perfectly okay. I do not make sense sometimes. I like random drives that lead to nowhere with great company and music blaring. That sounds like heaven right now. I sometimes think I live in a whole other world from other people, my realities just do not seem to make much sense to most. Gosh, so much to me. I’m so grateful I am learning so much about myself, because I think if I had stayed in my previous environment and mentality, I would be so far from where I am mentally right now.
Can I just say that I am so grateful that I am alive and surrounded by family and great people. Not everyone can say that. Wow. Such a ray of beauty around me. I love it!
I may not have it all together, but I don’t even think that that exists. I’m watching the sunset right now as I write this. La vie est belle et je suis tres contente.
Would I truly have it any other way? Honestly, would I really? I think not.
Let me enjoy this time and this journey. Patience, oh gosh I am learning patience because God knows I want everything NOW. But some things can wait and that is okay. Everything is okay if you just do the things you love and breathe.
Life will happen for me eventually, but I am grateful for where I am right now. Such good energy and good vibes. So, so, so grateful.
Was watching this TED talk yesterday that spoke on how to feel alive. The speaker said that the only way to truly feel alive is by being honest (not only with ourselves but with those around us as well). He explained that we often look to entertainment to make us feel “alive” and to give us a sense of “living”. Instead of seeking for that feeling in other things, we can easily find it within ourselves. When we lie, we create a false reality and a false identity. Our lies hinder us from truly being ourselves as we become accustomed to living the “lie” that we have created. Day by day we continue to allow the lie to cloud our “aliveness” as we cannot truly be alive until we are honest with ourselves. When we become honest with ourselves and those around us, then we no longer have to experience the confusion that comes with separating reality from a lie.
So when some person quoted “The truth shall set you free”, they actually had something going.
Here’s a letter dedicated to the future me (if I make it to see my 25th birthday which obviously I will).
Hey there you! I bet by now you’ve probably forgotten that you even wrote this and you’re laughing at yourself wondering if you’ve become everything your 17-year-old self imagined you to be.
IF YOU HAVEN’T RIDDEN AN OSTRICH YET, I’m gonna be so pissed.
Please, please, please, PLEASE tell me you still exercise at least 5 days a week. Ones body is a preciously prized possession and I hope and pray you’ve been taking care of it. In my mind I picture a strong woman with an average of 18 percent or less body fat. Yes, i know that’s insane to picture, but remember you’ve been working your whole life to be fit and healthy. Come on, no excuses! It’s been 8 years, by now you should’ve ran a marathon or to. Or at least even a half marathon and a half iron man. Continue reading “Letter to My 25 Year-old Self |July 5, 2015”
“What good is his love if she don’t love herself?”
Damn. That’s deep. If she doesn’t ever learn how to love herself, how is she ever gonna allow him to love her? See, her selfishness, allows her to grow. It allows her to carefully learn of every nip and tuck in her character, brain and body. She will no longer feel the need to be reminded of who she is. She won’t be defined by having a man, by having him say “yes” or “no” to all her decisions. She won’t need someone to tell her “good morning beautiful” cause guess what, the sun greets her joyfully every morning. She will be fully comfortable with herself and her entire being. She’ll hug herself when getting ready and dance and sing out the top of her lungs in the shower. She’ll travel, ALONE, because she’s wants to explore. And she’ll be totally comfortable being alone, she probably won’t even notice.
And eventually, when she does decide she’s ready to get a man, her man won’t make decisions for her, but with her.
theauthenticesther 